Guide to a Holiday with the Weasley's
by NextGenandPJFan
Summary: Crazy adventures with a crazy family as told by three reliable sources.


Guide to a Holiday with the Weasley's

Written by: _Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy_ , **Alice Alexandra Longbottom** , and Teddy Remus Lupin

 _Hello, Hello dear reader, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy here or Score if you would rather. This is our guide to the complex minds of each and every Weasley family member. You've got Molly, you've got Arthur, you've got Great, Great Aunt Murial—_ **Stop with the dramatics Score. We are really just her to tell people about our crazy adventures with the Weasley's.** Adventures is a great word to use Alice. Teddy Lupin here and that was Alice Longbottom. _Okay but we are still spilling the dirt on them right?_ **What do you think our adventures with them are?** _You heard it people never before seen (heard) "Adventures" with the Weasley Family._ Remind me why we are letting him in on this Alice. **Because he has more stories about Rosie then either of us combined.** Oh merlin. I'm not sure I want to hear all of those stories. Let's keep it PG 13 Malfoy. _Oh yeah cause I totally want to publicize any non PG 13 stories that her dad can easily kill me for… not that I have any of those Mr. Weasley, sir._ **Okay well this is sufficiently awkward. How about we talk about our first Weasley? Arthur Weasley to be exact.**

 _Yes you heard it Folks. Arthur Weasley. The oldest in the Weasley Gene pool (minus Great, Great Aunt Murial) at the age of seventy five and fifteen sixtenth's. Hair previously red but now is more of a redish gray color. Employment status: currently retired._ Malfoy we are here to tell funny stories we have had during the Holidays with him. Not to try and sell him. _I was just trying to make it more interesting._ **I think Arthur is really cool. He is pretty laid back as long as you don't insult his family. I remember one time we were with him in the leaky and a previous Voldemort supporter walked in. Arthur just turned around and zapped him with a hex that made him shut up.** _I remember that. Man that was funny the dude kept on trying to talk but words would not come to his mouth. Ahhh good memories._ I remember one year someone got him a computer for Christmas Holiday and we spent an entire week trying to figure out how to work it. In the end it exploded and I had to go back to school. _Oi where was I?_ **We were like five idiot.** _Hurtful._

 _Okay let's move on to our next Weasley. She is a great cook, has a temper made of fire, and is no more than five foot two let's give it up for Molly Weasley (the first)._ Once more these people aren't for sale. **Give it up Ted. He will never learn. Okay so Mrs. Weasley. She is cool. Man her cooking is good. I swear the week I live at the Burrow in the summer I gain like ten pounds. Her bread pudding is the best.** I personally enjoy her Mince Meat Pies. _You guys are both wrong it is her Dumplings are the best!_ **Can we just agree that all her food is good?** _Yes we can. Mrs. Weasley is cool as long as you don't temp her nerves like James and Fred do._ James and Fred temp everyone's nerves. **Score has a point. Do you remember the time James and Fred set lose all of those pixies in the house?** Yep and they ruined like half of the furniture in the house. Molly was soooo mad she yelled at them for like two hours. _How come I don't remember this?_ **It was the summer that you and your parents went you Brazil.** _And see folks this is why you don't skip out on a Holiday at the Weasley house hold. I remember one time me and Rose were out playing Quiditch and got completely soaked and ended up tracking a ton of mud into the building. She yelled at us for half an hour and then made us clean up the mess made._ **I remember Rose telling me about that. She was so mad at you. She was convinced it was your fault.**

Okay so let's get to our next guest: Bill Weasley. _Also known as your father in law._ Yes also known as my father in law. **I don't have as many stories about Bill. Over all he seems like a pretty cool guy.** _Yeah. He has a cool pony tail. I mean most people can't pull those off but Bill can._ Yeah Bill is cool as long as you aren't dating his daughter. You guys have no idea how many times he threatened me when Vic and I were dating. **Let's consider this a warning for any of Dom's suitors.** Oh you have no idea. When I asked for permission to propose to Vic. It was the most terrifying moment in my life. I thought he was going to kill me. _I'm sure he would have if Vic didn't love you._ **I agree.**

 **Now we are going to discuss Fleur.** _She is interesting… I mean sometimes she is nice and sweet but other times I think she may murder me in my sleep._ I have no problems with Fleur and she has none with me. As long as I keep her house clean when I visit. _Yeah one time me and Louis made a mess in the kitchen and she got mad at us._ **Was that the time you got cake batter everywhere and nearly burned down the house.** _Maybe…_ **I told you, that you should have let Dom and Roxie make the cake for Al's birthday, but no you pick Louis the guy who can't tell a whisk from a spatula. Fleur had every right to get mad at you.**

 _Next Weasley up: Charlie Weasley. He is AWSOME. One summer Rose, Al, Alice, and I visited him in Romania. We got to see all types of Dragons and I even got burned on my leg!_ How is that a good thing…? **Welcome to the mind that is Scorpius. But yeah that was a fun trip. Charlie was super and really let us do anything in Romania as long as we stayed within the town he was working at. So to sum it all up Charlie is seriously awesome.**

How to begin when talking about Percy Weasley? _Merlin, he is boring. I can't hold a conversation with him without falling asleep._ **Score that is rude to say about him. I mean not everything he says is boring.** _Name one thing._ __ **Well when he says good bye I am always excited.** Has he ever given you guys the speech on the proper way to wax a broom? Now that is boring. _Has he given you the speech on how a lot is not one word but actually two?_ **No but I have gotten an hour long speech about the properties of red hair. I wanted to shoot myself.** _Aha see BORING!_ **Fine.**

 **But you have to admit Audrey is cool. She makes the best peppermint tea in the winter and she is so sweet and kind. I don't think she can hurt a fly.** _Yeah Audrey is cool. She's smart too which explains why Percy gave her a second glance._ You can talk to Audrey about anything. I went to her when I was nervous about proposing to Vic. She really understood and helped me out. _I swear she knew I was going to ask out Rose before I knew._ **I guess with a child, like Lucy. She needs that special sense.**

Okay for our next person I have a whole lot of stories about. _I'm sure everyone does! George Weasley is a handful._ **I know I do. When I was little he used to teach me and Rose tricks to worry our parents. He used to give us products that looked like fake blood and told us to look injured. It was fun for a while because we fooled our parents and got candy. But once they caught on to it we got in a lot of trouble along with him.** I don't know how many times I have gotten in trouble because George talked me into doing something stupid. One time we filled the den of the Burrow with water. It was funny but Molly was mad at us for months. _He got me in trouble with Mr. Weasley. Before me and Rose were dating he convinced Mr. Weasley we were seeing each other behind his back. He sent Rose a howler at Hogwarts. In the letter he threatened to beat me up. The Howler was what drove us together in the end._ Vic and I once got him in trouble by tricking him in to giving us some of his products and then telling her parents and Harry what he did. Instead of going after him the sent Molly to yell at him it was great but his pay back was not fun. He gave us one of his famous exploding pies and then blamed it on us. We were at the burrow so Molly got on to us. **Merlin, I hate the Exploding Pies. It gets in your hair and takes forever to wash out.**

 **I still don't know how Angelina can put up with him. She is so level headed and he is a maniac with red hair.** Angelina is great. I think she is the only one who has any control over George. _I'm sure she is._ __ **I find it impressive. When I am married I hope I have a relationship like they do.** _You know he is afraid of her right?_ **Exactly my husband should fear me and so should my children.** _I know I fear you Alice._ You guys have no idea about what a real relationship is. **Are you saying you don't fear Victoire?** Are you crazy? No the woman terrifies me! _Then are you saying that you and Vic don't have a healthy relationship._ No I'm just saying— **Are you saying that George and Angelina don't have a healthy relationship?** You know what I'm gonna stop talking.

 _Let's move on to our next Weasley, Mr. Weasley to be exact._ **He means Ron.** _Yes I mean Mr. Weasley._ **Ron.** _Whatever. I have nothing bad to say about Mr. Weasley. He is a kind, even tempered man who DOES NOT terrify me._ In other words he has a bad temper and is Score's worst fear. **I second that notion.** _What I'm not afraid of him… Unless he wants me to be in that case if I ever have to face a bogart it would turn into him!_ **He also tries to suck up to him because he is in love with is daughter.** _And I would never abuse, seduce, or touch her just putting that out there._ I have got to admit it will be fun terrorizing boys when I become a dad. **I guess that is the one good thing about being a parent that moms don't get.** You can always terrorize girls. _Mr. Weasley hasn't terrorized me. He is always perfectly lovely. I wish he was my own father._ **You hear that Mr. Weasley, Score is now planning on marrying Rose. He wants you to be his father-in-law.** _What no I didn't say that. I said father by blood._ So what you're saying is that you're disgusted by Rose and never want to marry her. _No, no… I don't know what I'm saying!_ **Man it is fun to mess with Score.**

Now let's move on to Hermione. **If you want to talk about a relationship where on spouse fears the other it is defiantly theirs.** _I second that notion._ **See Teddy you can have a relationship based on fear. Everyone fears Hermione slightly…** _Even Molly dose a little bit. I mean come on she knows every hex in the book and is pretty high up in the Ministry who wouldn't fear her._ Hugo. **That is because Hugo is her precious baby boy that would never do anything wrong. Just wait until we get to him.** _What do you have on Hugo…?_ **A lot.** _She terrifies Rose. Rose says she has seen her mom angry and it is not a pretty sight._ **She also has no problem sending her mom after her dad. Hence how she is dating you.** __ _Yeah no way we would be together if Mrs. Weasley didn't approve. I would never want to cross her. That is how she wins all those cases in the court A. she is good and B. everyone is terrified about what she would do if she didn't win. My bet is that she is the first female Minister of Magic._

Now for the Potter's basically my immediate family if anyone asks. **We'll start off with Ginny since we are starting with original Weasley then spouse.** I love Ginny but talk about a temper! You do not want to be on the opposite end of her Bat Boggy Hex or Jelly Leg Jinx. _Or on the opposite end of her yell. That is terrifying. Al and I have faced it many a time._ **Yeah like the time you to decided you wanted to be Muggle pilots the summer before second year and tried to conjure a plane to practice with.** Or the time you two started a petition for those… alterations in the girls Quidditch uniforms. **Or when you went scuba diving in the Black lake.** Or when— _Okay they get the picture but Al and I aren't the only ones to test her nerves so dose Lily and well James bugs everyone as we have said before._ **I do remember one time Lily got in a lot of trouble. She had just gotten her ears pierced but didn't ask either one of her parents. Ginny yelled at her and eventually made her take it out. Thankfully Rose and I had ummm decided against getting our ears pierced.** _Yeah isn't that because you guys got your bel—_ **I don't know what you're talking about Score.**

 **Moving on to Harry Potter also known and the chosen one and Uncle Scar Face by a young Fred Weasley.** _Fred really called him that?_ Yep and he called Bill Uncle Ochie Face. **He got Lily to say it too.** _Harry is great. He is the only one who can keep Ginny's temper in check._ **Well him and Molly.** _How he stays so calm with a Freak Show Son like James I will never know._ **Let's not forget his other children: Daredevil Al and Boy Crazy Lily Luna.** _Yeah but Ginny handles Al, she knows James is a lost cause and Al and James handle sweet Boy Crazy Lily. So all he really has to worry about is weather James will live to see another day._ I saw Harry get mad once. It was after James almost got expelled for the prank he played on the Slytherin Common room. Harry was the one to punish James. _Woah Harry was? James didn't leave his room all summer. I think he went to the bathroom in there._ __He also was the one to ground Lily after she decided she wanted to get a tattoo and did it without asking her parents. _Man that girl needs to learn how to keep things on the down low._ **I know she just starts yapping about things.**

 **Okay so let's get started on our Generation.** _Yep the true freaks and weirdo's of the Weasley family._ **Vicky is the oldest so let's start with her.** Vic is amazing she is beautiful and lovely and amazing. _Still in the honeymoon faze I see._ **Yeah Teddy we are here to get the real dirt on these people not that they are 'amazing'.** Vic doesn't have any dirt. I mean she is part Veela for merlin's sake. _Yeah but doesn't that bother you at all. Other dudes are checking her out and you can only pound so many of them._ **Yeah and let's face it Vicky is a flirt. She will flirt with anything that has legs.** _More like anything that breaths, they don't have to have legs._ Vic is not that bad. She may flirt with people but I know that I'm the only one she really likes. _That is so sweet I think I may barf. If you're not going to dish the dirt we will. Vicky can't cast a cleaning charm to save her life. Whenever she tries the room turns blue._ **She can't cook either. I once ate her food and got food poisoning. I would rather risk Hagrid's cookies.** _She also can't keep a plant alive for more than a week._ **Or drive a car.** _Or knit._ **Or play exploding snap.** Okay now you guys are just digging for stuff. **We wouldn't have to if you gave us something.** I'm not saying anything.

Molly on the other hand is a piece of work. _Trying to change the subject I see._ **Well it worked cause I can go on and on about Molly. I don't know what got her knickers in a twist but whatever did sure knows how to twist hard.** __Yes Molly can be a bit … tight. _Molly isn't just tight she is a double knot. No one can untie her._ **Well Mathew Green can.** _Molly's lover boy…_ I don't get their relationship. Molly has the maturity of a sixty year old he has the maturity of a six year old. _That is so true I think Molly will be able to retire next year._ **Boys the truth is opposites attract. Just look at Ron and Hermione or George and Angelina.** _I thought we already established that their relationships were based upon fear of the female figure in the relationship._ **Yes we did but they are all still opposites.** But Mathew doesn't fear Molly which bugs the crap out of Molly. **Well in all the other relationships fear is used to control the Weasley. In this relationship having no fear controls the Weasley.** _Interesting. So Matt has control in the relationship._ **I wouldn't go that far.**

 _Okay so Roxie is next. Also known as Roxanne but she would kill you if you called her that._ **Or if you call her Anne or Annie.** It is best just to stick with Roxie. She has a bit of a temper. I'm not sure if it comes from her Mom (Angelina) or from Molly. **I'm pretty sure it is a combination of both.** _Now to get to the real dirt. Roxie's hair isn't really red. She just dies it to fit in and feel like a Weasley._ **Score what are you talking about. Roxie's hair is Black right now.** _I know but Roxie doesn't have any good dirt._ **What about how she got pregnant her seventh year.** Or how she once stole a Muggle Car. **Or how she once smacked you for 'looking to pretty today.'** _All that stuff is boring and way too main stream compared to all the other Weasleys._ Um not really. Roxie is a piece of work.

 **Finally, Louis. I really only have one thing to say about him. He is an idiot.** _I have to agree and this is coming from me. Louis is a few nuts short of a…well anything. That is why he is awesome. I mean one time we set a hippogryph on fire._ I think we have different definitions of awesome. And Alice I agree Louis is an idiot. He brought my ex-girlfriend, Maddie, to Vic and mine wedding. Maddie is two years older than me which makes her nine years older than Louis. **He also proposed to Willow Green at his graduation. Willow is lesbian.** _Well in Louis's defense Al and I dared him to do it._ **Well he was an idiot for saying yes.** _Alice if Louis is such an idiot they why are you dating him._ **I don't know what you are talking about Louis and I are not in a relationship.** Wait they are dating? Since when? _Well it started in August this year right before we went off to seventh year._ **And Louis is an idiot so we are no longer dating.** What did he do? **Let's just say I do not enjoy being covered in syrup and feathers.** _What you do in your free time is none of my business, Ali._ **Uhhhhg None of us want to hear you suggestive comments, Score!** _Fine!_ Okay when you two are done behaving like children maybe we can get back on Louis. I remember one time he ate a chocolate car. _…What's so weird about that?_ Well he transfigured a Muggle car into chocolate. _Why…didn't I think of that?_ **No wonder Fleur doesn't like you at her house. You are more idiotic than Louis.** _Um at least I didn't try to run over a cat with a broom stick. I tried to run over a dog._ I'm starting to agree with Alice.

We may as well do Fred and James together. _They are pretty much the same person._ **The only difference is on has curly hair and the other has straight hair.** _Fred n' James as I like to call them are truly irritating people._ **Score you are a truly irritating person Fred and James are not irritating they piss people off!** They can be funny sometimes like when they pull funny pranks on each other. I remember the one year they were competing for the title of most awesome prankster. **Yeah didn't James fill Fred's trunk with Lepricon Gold which all exploded when he opened up his trunk.** _Fred got him back by charming his underwear to be three sizes too small for a month._ They also played some pranks on other people that are pretty funny. That one prank on Roxie where they put charmed glue on all of her quills so that whenever she tried to write it would just stick to the paper was a pretty funny one. **Or when they pranked Molly II by putting purple paint in all of her shampoo bottles.** _Or when they locked you and Louis in that cupboard together for five hours._ **That was not funny Score. I will never forgive them for that.**

Let's move on to Al. _My BMFFL!_ **What?** _Best Male Friend For Life! What else could it be?_ **I don't know a sane answer.** Guys let's try to stay on topic. _Fine do you remember when Al and I tried to light the great hall celling on fire or the time we tried to grow a pine tree in the owlery or the time—_ **I think that's enough of your stupidity. This one isn't about you. Do you remember when Al came out as gay and wore a shirt that said, "I'm gay deal with it."** _How could I not he gave the shirt to me and told me to use it when I'm ready. I don't think he fully gets the concept of me dating his female cousin._ What about the time he tried to start up a game of truth or dare at Christmas dinner and dared Grandpa Author to get on the table and, "Shake his money maker," as he so eloquently put it. **Or the time he asked Harry to have some friends over and brought home a group of male Italian Super models who didn't speak English or have any shirts on.** _I still can't get over the time he gave Rich Dodal the potion that made him fall in love with all the female professors the week after exams._ **Oh yeah that was a really funny one. Rich even followed Professor McGail and Professor Johnston to the bathroom once.** _And it took the professors forever to figure out he was under a potion and just kept giving him detention._ I think we can all agree that Al is a nut and we should probably get him medical attention.

 _Rosie is next and all I want to say about her is that she is a lovely well-mannered girl who I would never take advantage of._ **Shut it Score give us the real dirt.** _Fine here it is…. Where to begain? Have you guys heard about the time we jumped from the owlery to the Great Lake?_ What! No! _Okay well so one time me and Rose-a-Roe were mak—I mean sending off her post when a first year started to walk up the stairs. Me being the smart genius I was. I dragged Rose onto the ledge to hide and wait for the first year to leave. Unfortunately the first year was hella strange and started singing the owls some crazy ass opera. After the first hour we decided to give it up and jump. Death couldn't be worse than that kids singing!_ **Dear god Score. Why didn't you just… you know what nevermind. I also have a Rose story. One time we made pudding and put it in balloons and then pelted Louis with it.** I heard about that! Wasn't it last week? **Yes.** _Wasn't that right after the two of you broke-_

 _*_ _ **ALICE I STILL LOVE YOU!***_

 _Louis my main man after Al! What are you doing here?_

 _ ***DIDN'T YOU HERE MY ANOUNCE MY LOVE FOR ALICE***_

I'm pretty sure the whole world can hear you…

 _ ***Oh sorry was I yelling?***_

 _Yes extreamly-_

 _*_ _ **ALICE WILL YOU MARRY ME?***_

 **What Louis? No! We aren't dating right now! I'm not finished with school!**

 ***** _ **Oh I know I just needed you to talk to me. I love you and will not surprise you with animal themed se—makeouts anymore!***_

… **..**

…

….

 **I'm not sure what to do with this Louis on one hand…. I love you too…. But on the other I hate surprises, syrup, and being made a fool of infront of my friends so I'm gonna think about things. We are going to finish recording this so go outside and be quite.**

 _ ***I knew you still loved me!***_

 _Sooooo…. Where were we?_ Dom? **Oh right. Man that girl is beautiful. I mean Vic as the Veela looks of the family but Dom just has this natural beauty.** Yeah Louis, Bill and me are trying to fight off the boys with pitch forks but Fleur and Vic won't let us. _You really don't have to worry about anything aren't her and Adam going on a year now._ Oh right the Ravenclaw…We don't like him. **Why not he is such a standup guy? He is top of his year, plays quidditch, and is committed to every girl he has ever dated.** We are pretty sure they are having sex? _Oi is that sexism I hear! It's okay for Louis to have crazy surprise sex with any random girl_ **Oi** __ _he meets on the street but as soon as Dom decides to get some action its bad! Male chauvinist pig!_ **I couldn't have said it better myself and btw they are not having sex. I just texted Dom and she is upset that you boys think so lowly of her.** Okay I surrender. It's just we know how easily Dom falls for people… must I remind you guys of Clint. **I have some other names in mind for that asshat… asshat being one of them.** _For our audience Clint dated Dom as a way to get Griff quidditch secrets… he soon realized she had no interest in the sport and was a Hufflepuff and then dumped her. A month later he started hitting on Rose to get the secrets cause he has no shame._ **Okay true but that was like the one time. Usually she has really good senses about that stuff. Like in my fourth year when she told me that Ryan was no good and a week later I found him snogging Al.** _Oh yeah and the time she told me I was in grave danger and I ended up stuck in Rosie's closet for 2 hours as a way to avoid Mr. Weasley._ Maybe we have a seer in our family!

Now for Lucy. _Man is that chick coo coo. She puts lasagna in her hair._ **Oh I like Lucy. She is great at sleepovers. She is always telling fun stories or coming up with great ideas for stuff to do. Like one time we ran from Rose's house to the park down the road yelling I'm a pretty princess only in our underwear. It was the best sleepover ever.** I have to agree with Score… she put dill pickles in my underwear drawer. _See not normal._

 _And now here is Little Lily Luna._ **All I have to say about Lily is that she breaks every rule and once she has done it can't shut up about it.** _Right like the time she got drunk of vacation to Mexico and blabbed about it to Rose in front of her parents._ Or the time she hit on Al's boyfriend then told all the cousins that they were going to run away together and form their own nudist colony. **Exactly. Oh and she can't keep other people secrets. Like she told James that I like Louis so James locked us in a closet together.** _Or when me and Al wanted that pet whale we named Harold and she told her mom which meant Ginny yelled at us for hours._ Yeah Lily really needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.

Okay here we are our last Weasley— **Finally Hugo…. Here it goes Hugo-**

 ***** SCORPIOUS HYPERION MALFOY WHAT IS THIS I HERE ABOUT YOU TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THE FIRST YEAR OWL OPERA!

 **TEDDY LUPIN HOW DARE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO COMMENT ON MY SISTERS SEX LIFE!**

 _ **YEAH THAT REALLY ISN'T ANY OF YOUR BUISNESS TED! YOU SUCK AS A BROTHER IN LAW!**_

 _ALICE I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER THE FACT I STOLE RYAN FROM YOU IN FOURTH YEAR AND SCORE COME ON DUDE IN KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO COME OUT AS GAY SOON_

 _ **ALICE I GIVE UP. WE BOTH LOVE EACHOTHER SO LETS BE TOGETHER (**_ **ok) (kissing noises)**

Continued screaming _*_

 _Okay as you can see here there is a lot of screaming and kissing going on here so peace out and I hope you learned something…or didn't this isn't school._ **Wait I never got to give the dirt I had on Hugo.** To late now we have too many people to deal with…..

 **AN: How was it? Please review! Reviews make me happy! Oh and just incase you are curious here are the ages for the next gen.**

 **Lily and Hugo-15-5** **th** **year**

 **Lucy and Dom- 16- 6** **th** **year**

 **Score, Al, Rose, Alice- 17- 7** **th** **year**

 **James, Fred, Louis- 18**

 **Roxie- 20**

 **Molly 22**

 **Vic-23**

 **Ted-25**


End file.
